surrogates – review

1 10 2009

hr_exclusive_surrogates_posterwent to see surrogates with bruce willis last night…ok, that doesn’t sound right because, well, bruce wasn’t actually with me.  moving on.  i was pretty excited to see one of the few new sci-fi movies and i went with high hopes!  this review may seem like it’s going down the path of “it sucked” but read on…you may be surprised or not.

a quick breakdown on the plot:  guy invents surry’s (short lang for surrogates) which are essentially robots that you control with your mind.  think of virtual reality but instead of having experiences within an artificial computer landscape, your surrogate lets you experience actual life in the real world as you sit at home in the comfort of your chair at home.  the beginning of the movie shows all the newspapers and tv stories on how it comes to pass that within 14 years 98% of society live their lives through their surry.  advantages?  lower crime rate (i don’t know why), low rate of std’s being passed (ok, until robots get diseases i get this point), people in wheelchairs can walk, you don’t have to worry about getting physically hurt so you can try anything, etc…you get the idea why everyone wants one 😉

then we witness some this guy stalk and kill someone who turns out to be the son of the inventor of  surrogates.  first murder in years!  the rub lies in the fact that it’s no secret that surrogates can get killed (or deactivated, crushed, shot, etc) but their owners will be safe at home.  this time though, whatever the stalker used to kill the surrogate also killed the surrogate owner by frying and liquefying their brains.  holy cow, how safe can surrogates be then?  will there be panic in the streets?  on the case though are fbi agents tom greer (bruce willis) and his partner peters (radha mitchell).  always nice to see what new hairpiece bruce will be sporting.  this time a lovely blonde piece that looks like a throwback from leave it to beaver.

on the flipside of the coin we have the “dreads” who are humans who ‘just say no’ to robots.  the “dreads” are led by the ‘prophet’ (played deadpan and boring by ving rhames).  the prophet condemns surrogates as an abomination and incites humans to rise up and take back what it means to be human!  but you can really forget about this because it’s part of the story that serves the plot but isn’t explored at the end (the alluded to ‘contrived’ at the end of the review 😉 )

so there are all the players (for the most part)…let the action and intrigue begin!

in the end, is this movie worth the $12 to see it in the theaters?  well to me it seemed like i’d seen this movie before.  it felt like “the sixth day” with people having no fear of dying because they can just put their memories and such into the next clone of themselves.  it also had an i, robot feel in the artificial look and stiffness of the robots characters.

there were a few inconsistencies that didn’t leave me feeling good by the end.  everyone is only allowed to be linked to one surrogate however you can go to what amounts to a dollar store and hook yourself up with a replacement if you want (hey!  is that guy from 90210! lol!)  as well, as much as they try to twist and turn the plot so that the audience doesn’t know the reason behind murders, we really figure it out quite quickly because it’s so fricken obvious!  my fav phrase from the movie was “meat bag” (the name that people in their surrogate form call humans that don’t use surrogates) and of course i immediately put it to use on my gf because, well, she is one!  lol!  don’t get mad!  we all are!

overall i give this movie 3.5 kicks to the balls out of 5.  if they had tried to make sure all the lose ends (most of which some i can’t get into without a spoiler alert) were tied and didn’t try to go with such a contrived ending, i would have gone to 4.

kick to the ballskick to the ballskick to the ballskick to the balls





streetfighter: the legend of chun-li – review

24 09 2009

streetfighter posterok, just rented this movie last night and i was tentative whether i’d actually review this piece of crap movie.  actually the only reason i watched it in the first place was on a recommendation from my buddy darcy who said “it’s pretty good so far” to which i initially replied “have you even finished the opening credits yet?”.  i should have stood fast to my gut feeling because this is one of the kinds of movies that makes you say – i can become a millionaire making movies!  why?  because i sure enough can make better sh*t than this 😉

i have to say i’m usually a fan of martial art type movies and couple that with my smallville crush kristin kreuk and terminator: salvation’s sexy moon bloodgood, you’d think it might not be half bad.  well i guess i was right…it was half bad.  and the other half was bad too.  essentially making a whole bad movie.  so what makes this so bad?  great question!  streetfighter is based on the video game of the same name but focuses on chun-li (kruek’s character) whose  father is kidnapped for some unknown (but by the end of the movie turns out to be lame) reason by bad-ass kingpin of crime (neal mcdonough).  we follow chun-li as she eventually finds gen (robin shou) who teaches her a save this until you’re almost dead defeated then use it kung fu stuff that will help her defeat bad guys.

so where does moongood fit in?  unfortunately with can’t overact his way out of a paper bag chris klein from american pie shame fame.  this unnecessary subplot involves klein and moongood playing investigators looking for the bad guy who took out the crime syndicate heads in bangkok.  they also have this sexual tension that i think is there to spice up an otherwise very g-rated movie.  it doesn’t work.

in my opinion, all the characters are played too over the top with the unfortunate exception of kreuk who underplayed her character so much that it made chun-li boring and unbelievable as a heroine.  there was some interesting fight scenes but not enough to warrant any type of recommendation.  overall i give this movie 1 kick to the balls out of 5.   it would’ve got zero but moongood had a good wardrobe throughout the movie 😉

kick to the balls





g.i. joe – review

14 09 2009

g.i.joea movie based on some plastic action figures i had when i was a kid?  really?  cool!  i’ll watch it!  i’ll make this short and sweet…special f/x were awesome!  story was weak.  key cool points – the use of the phrase “go joes!” and use of the arctic trooper outfits!  ahhh, the memories 🙂  i can’t see there being a sequel even though they left it wide open for one or SIX!  the acting was flat but sienna miller looked great (one of the saving graces of the movie).

kick to the ballskick to the balls

Rated 2/5 on Sep 14 2009
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district 9 – review

14 09 2009

district 9 posterdistrict 9 is one of the summer’s most thoughtful and interesting movies.  it is directed by neill blomkamp who is actually a director based out of vancouver, bc…very cool 🙂  going into this movie i didn’t really know what to expect.  from the trailers that i’d seen i thought it was going to be a typical sci-fi thriller.  to my surprise and enjoyment though it was that and so much more!

the basic story is that aliens have landed in south africa and the government, over the last 20 years, has kept them under an apartheid-like rule sequestering them in a shanty town that has transformed into an alien slum (district 9).  the main character, wikus van der merwe (sharlto copley) is in charge of clearing the town and moving the aliens to a new area.  the fun begins when he is accidentally infected by an alien liquid while he was searching one of the shacks.  then his dna starts changing and it seems he is evolving into a hybrid of human/alien.  when the government takes him in they find out that he now can use the alien weaponry (it seems only aliens can somehow activate their guns, machinery, etc).  when he finds out they want to dissect him to find out how they can capitalize on his new dna, he is forced to go on the run hiding out in district 9.   he eventually befriends another alien who tells him he can reverse the dna process if they can get off the planet.

up to this point district 9 is more an intellectual movie; a comic/political statement on south african apartheid and a parallel to racism that society never seems to fail to inflict on what it doesn’t know or understand.  however as soon as wikus is out on the run, the action begins and then it’s alien laser cannons that completely obliterate anything that they hit, a transformer-like battle suit that is like wearing a walking tank, gunfire galore, explosions…everything a good action movie needs!

the movie is filmed for the most part as a mockumentary but then flits between an all out action movie and melodrama.  overall the effect is awesome and i loved the movie!  i’m giving this a 4.5 kick to the balls out of 5.  a little more consistency in action throughout the whole movie would have made it more a 5 for me.

kick to the ballskick to the ballskick to the ballskick to the ballskick to the balls





whiteout – review

10 09 2009

whiteout movie posteri would be extremely surprised to find a good review of kate beckinsale’s newest movie “whiteout”!  she stars as carrie stetko, a us marshal stationed at a scientific base in antarctica.  it’s not that her acting in it wasn’t up to par…her and everyone else are quite solid.  it’s the story that took two hours out of my life that unfortunately i’ll never get back.

i think the breakdown comes from the initial  premise of the movie which i think is supposed to be greed, specifically greed for these diamonds (lost in a russian plane crash 60 years prior) that drives this conspiracy for murder.  that’s all well and good but i don’t buy it!  there are tons of diamonds and supposedly four guys who find them.  no one else knows about their finding and no one else (ie. russian government, etc) is looking for them either.  so really all they have to do is put them in their pockets and go home.  end of movie.  but no!  let’s use the winter storm in antarctica be the backdrop for murder and suspense…who murdered whom?

i should point out that thank god i didn’t actually waste my own money on this (i won tickets to a pre-screening).  ok, on with the review!

i really think the writers were trying to create some depth to beckinsale’s character by adding a continual flashback that explains (sort of but not really) why she ends up in the south pole and maybe why she’s paranoid.  i found that it didn’t further the plot at all.  and why wouldn’t she be paranoid when some freak killer is on the loose on an isolated antarctic base?  ugh!

anyway, in the end these diamonds just don’t seem enough justification for all the killing that happens in this movie.  and then to let the killer just walk out into the whiteout and kill himself??  really??  anti-climactic to say the least.  and finally, there’s so little to do with the actual whiteout that shares the movie’s title that it makes you wonder why they couldn’t at least come up with a better title!  to sum it all up –  i was bored!  throw in an abominable snowman or some vampires (a la other beckinsale movies) and maybe we’d have a film…but better to just “whiteout” this choice next time you’re deciding what to see 😉  i’m giving it a 2 kicks to the balls out of 5 (i would’ve given it 1 but beckinsale is hot and had one scene showing that beautiful body)!

kick to the ballskick to the balls





i love you, man – review

21 08 2009

i_love_you_man just watched ‘i love you, man’ which stars paul rudd and jason segel.  for the most part it was hilarious!  basically the story is about a guy who’s getting married and he doesn’t have any close guy friends; he realizes this when he overhears his fiance talking with her girlfriends about the wedding party and a lack of representation on his side.  so he starts ‘man-dates’ trying to find a best friend.  there are a few fun scenes with him trying to find his best friend the best being at a poker game with the husband [played by jon favreau] of one of his fiance’s best girlfriends as  he tries to fit in by drinking and it culminates in projectile vomit scene that i must have laughed out loud for a good minute after it was over!

i found that the male bonding scenes are the stuff me and my group of guys would typically do.  especially stuff we talk about in the “man-cave”.  after one scene, my gf asked me when the last time i masturbated was.  unbelievable!  i told her even if i did [and everybody does!] i’d never tell her.  watch the movie and it’ll make more sense 😉

anyway, the movie is pretty funny all around.  it’s got a great cast including andy samberg, thomas lennon, jamie pressly, and even lou ‘the incredible hulk’ ferrigno who plays himself.  i’d give it a 3.5 kicks to the balls out of 5.  and just to explain the kicks to the balls rating system, the more kicks you’d take to the balls to watch a movie, the better the movie must have been.

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