streetfighter: the legend of chun-li – review

24 09 2009

streetfighter posterok, just rented this movie last night and i was tentative whether i’d actually review this piece of crap movie.  actually the only reason i watched it in the first place was on a recommendation from my buddy darcy who said “it’s pretty good so far” to which i initially replied “have you even finished the opening credits yet?”.  i should have stood fast to my gut feeling because this is one of the kinds of movies that makes you say – i can become a millionaire making movies!  why?  because i sure enough can make better sh*t than this 😉

i have to say i’m usually a fan of martial art type movies and couple that with my smallville crush kristin kreuk and terminator: salvation’s sexy moon bloodgood, you’d think it might not be half bad.  well i guess i was right…it was half bad.  and the other half was bad too.  essentially making a whole bad movie.  so what makes this so bad?  great question!  streetfighter is based on the video game of the same name but focuses on chun-li (kruek’s character) whose  father is kidnapped for some unknown (but by the end of the movie turns out to be lame) reason by bad-ass kingpin of crime (neal mcdonough).  we follow chun-li as she eventually finds gen (robin shou) who teaches her a save this until you’re almost dead defeated then use it kung fu stuff that will help her defeat bad guys.

so where does moongood fit in?  unfortunately with can’t overact his way out of a paper bag chris klein from american pie shame fame.  this unnecessary subplot involves klein and moongood playing investigators looking for the bad guy who took out the crime syndicate heads in bangkok.  they also have this sexual tension that i think is there to spice up an otherwise very g-rated movie.  it doesn’t work.

in my opinion, all the characters are played too over the top with the unfortunate exception of kreuk who underplayed her character so much that it made chun-li boring and unbelievable as a heroine.  there was some interesting fight scenes but not enough to warrant any type of recommendation.  overall i give this movie 1 kick to the balls out of 5.   it would’ve got zero but moongood had a good wardrobe throughout the movie 😉

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whiteout – review

10 09 2009

whiteout movie posteri would be extremely surprised to find a good review of kate beckinsale’s newest movie “whiteout”!  she stars as carrie stetko, a us marshal stationed at a scientific base in antarctica.  it’s not that her acting in it wasn’t up to par…her and everyone else are quite solid.  it’s the story that took two hours out of my life that unfortunately i’ll never get back.

i think the breakdown comes from the initial  premise of the movie which i think is supposed to be greed, specifically greed for these diamonds (lost in a russian plane crash 60 years prior) that drives this conspiracy for murder.  that’s all well and good but i don’t buy it!  there are tons of diamonds and supposedly four guys who find them.  no one else knows about their finding and no one else (ie. russian government, etc) is looking for them either.  so really all they have to do is put them in their pockets and go home.  end of movie.  but no!  let’s use the winter storm in antarctica be the backdrop for murder and suspense…who murdered whom?

i should point out that thank god i didn’t actually waste my own money on this (i won tickets to a pre-screening).  ok, on with the review!

i really think the writers were trying to create some depth to beckinsale’s character by adding a continual flashback that explains (sort of but not really) why she ends up in the south pole and maybe why she’s paranoid.  i found that it didn’t further the plot at all.  and why wouldn’t she be paranoid when some freak killer is on the loose on an isolated antarctic base?  ugh!

anyway, in the end these diamonds just don’t seem enough justification for all the killing that happens in this movie.  and then to let the killer just walk out into the whiteout and kill himself??  really??  anti-climactic to say the least.  and finally, there’s so little to do with the actual whiteout that shares the movie’s title that it makes you wonder why they couldn’t at least come up with a better title!  to sum it all up –  i was bored!  throw in an abominable snowman or some vampires (a la other beckinsale movies) and maybe we’d have a film…but better to just “whiteout” this choice next time you’re deciding what to see 😉  i’m giving it a 2 kicks to the balls out of 5 (i would’ve given it 1 but beckinsale is hot and had one scene showing that beautiful body)!

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i love you, man – review

21 08 2009

i_love_you_man just watched ‘i love you, man’ which stars paul rudd and jason segel.  for the most part it was hilarious!  basically the story is about a guy who’s getting married and he doesn’t have any close guy friends; he realizes this when he overhears his fiance talking with her girlfriends about the wedding party and a lack of representation on his side.  so he starts ‘man-dates’ trying to find a best friend.  there are a few fun scenes with him trying to find his best friend the best being at a poker game with the husband [played by jon favreau] of one of his fiance’s best girlfriends as  he tries to fit in by drinking and it culminates in projectile vomit scene that i must have laughed out loud for a good minute after it was over!

i found that the male bonding scenes are the stuff me and my group of guys would typically do.  especially stuff we talk about in the “man-cave”.  after one scene, my gf asked me when the last time i masturbated was.  unbelievable!  i told her even if i did [and everybody does!] i’d never tell her.  watch the movie and it’ll make more sense 😉

anyway, the movie is pretty funny all around.  it’s got a great cast including andy samberg, thomas lennon, jamie pressly, and even lou ‘the incredible hulk’ ferrigno who plays himself.  i’d give it a 3.5 kicks to the balls out of 5.  and just to explain the kicks to the balls rating system, the more kicks you’d take to the balls to watch a movie, the better the movie must have been.

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